Open Relationships Part 3 - Horny Again
Abstract
This study investigates experiences of polyamory in a order where monogamy is the norm. Polyamory is when more than than ii people are involved in an intimate and/or sexual relationship. The relationships are known to those involved, and anybody has the opportunity to take multiple relationships at the same fourth dimension. In-depth interviews were completed with 22 persons in Sweden who identify as polyamorous. Cartoon on Ahmed's phenomenological concepts of turning points and lines and Halberstam's concept of queer time and temporality, the following questions are explored: What turning points can be seen in the informants' stories? And what consequences are the informants exposed to when heteronormative expectations are not followed? In the theoretical language of Ahmed, living a life inside monogamous boundaries would be considered every bit being "in line". Going beyond these monogamous heteronormative lines can consequence in more relational choices past which one has to find out what kind of relationship works best instead of following a ready-fabricated template. The majority of the informants feel forced to conceal their relationship constellations in several situations and contexts. Living a queer life is seen past others in society every bit non simply incomprehensible but also immature and inexperienced. Interactions with healthcare professionals seldom offer any relief from this; instead, the informants' stories of these encounters tin can be interpreted as instances of existence stopped and blocked, resulting in stress and shame.
Introduction
The concept of 'non-monogamy' aims to reverberate a diverseness of alternative relationship constellations that be across the heteronormative. Non-monogamy can be regarded as an umbrella term for polyamory, open up relationships, swingers, and human relationship anarchy to mention some of the most common. Polyamory, which we focus on here, means that more than two people are involved in an intimate and/or sexual human relationship. The relationships are known to those involved, and everyone has the opportunity to take multiple relationships at the same time. Polyamory has received growing attending in recent years, and at that place is testify that an increasing number of people are forming polyamorous relationships (Barker 2005; Haupert et al. 2017). Increasing media attention about polyamory and psychotherapeutic 'self-assist' style books back-trail this. Non-monogamy has also received increased attention inside academia.
In this article, we explore the lines that lead to experiences of polyamory in a social club where monogamy is the norm. The marginalization of not-monogamous practices in heteronormative and mononormative contexts is explored past focusing on aspects such as the concept of mononormativity (Barker 2005; Ritchie and Barker 2006), stigma (Conley et al. 2013; Hutzler et al. 2016) or bigotry and privilege (Klesse 2018; Palotta-Chiarolli 2010). In our analysis, we could see that our fabric supports these previous studies in terms of how the interviewees talked about silence and negative reactions, merely there was likewise a potent narrative about the possibilities that living outside of protocol offered the interviewees. These possibilities were often described in temporal and embodied terms in relation to other polyamorous or queer bodies that seemed to "open up up" forays into the previously unthinkable. Therefore, we wanted to explore how non-monogamy can exist seen as a work of stepping outside the trodden path with others and imagining these relationships in new temporal light. Cartoon on Sara Ahmed'due south (2006) phenomenological concepts of turning points and lines and Jack Halberstam'southward (2005) concept of queer fourth dimension and temporality, the questions investigated are: What turning points tin be seen in the informants' stories? And what consequences are the informants exposed to when heteronormative expectations are not followed? Research on polyamorous relations can generate an agreement of contemporary meanings and practices of forming relations as well every bit of the needs of individuals and families with intersecting marginalized identities. In our study, we aim at understanding the experiences and consequences of living a not-monogamous life, and more specifically, how these experiences are shaped in relationship to other polyamorous and queer bodies.
In the catamenia from the late-1990s until the mid-2000s, special problems on non-monogamy appeared in several journals, and Barker and Langdridge's (2010) edited anthology Understanding Not-monogamies (2010) contributed to make polyamory accessible to a wider readership. The body of empirical research on polyamory has been growing since the mid-2000s, and according to Klesse (2018), the dissimilar studies show the range of multiple locations that sally from polyamorous identities, practices, and communities. According to Haupert et al. (2017), every fifth person in the U.s.a. has experienced a consenting non-monogamous relationship. More men than women reported previous participation in a consenting not-monogamous relationship, as did people who identified as gay, lesbian, or bisexual compared to those who identified as heterosexual. The people who reported having engaged in a non-monogamous relationship varied by gender and sexual orientation simply did non differ past historic period, education level, income, religion, geographic region, political affiliation, or race (Haupert et al. 2017). Balzarini et al. (2018) examined demographic differences betwixt 2428 individuals in polyamorous relationships and 539 individuals in monogamous relationships in the The states. The result shows that those in polyamorous relationships were more likely to report minority sexual identities, be in a ceremonious matrimony, be divorced, and earn less than $forty,000 per year compared to individuals in monogamous relationships.
Furthermore, previous studies have focused on various areas related to polyamory such every bit sexual orientation (Tweedy 2011; Haupert et al. 2017), agreements and trust (Wosick-Correa 2010), jealousy (Deri 2015), emotions and intimacy (Klesse 2018), and attitudes towards polyamory and non-monogamy (Séguin 2017). Overlaps between polyamory and BDSM take likewise been noted in previous inquiry (Carlström and Andersson 2019; Bauer 2010), and some studies have as well shown a human relationship between bisexuality and polyamory (Klesse 2006; Kolesar 2011; Sheff 2005). In the Kolesar (2011) study, approximately half of the polyamorous participants identified as bisexual. In Sweden, the express enquiry available on polyamory has mainly come from studies on bisexuality (Gustavson 2006; Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist 2007).
Several studies investigate attitudes towards consensual non-monogamy (Rubin et al. 2014; Conley et al. 2013; Matsick et al. 2014; Hutzler et al. 2016). Conley et al.'s (2013) research shows that people engaged in non-monogamy are thought to take poorer relationships and be less responsible than people in monogamous relationships. Matsick et al. (2014) investigate differences in attitudes towards subtypes of non-monogamy and demonstrate that swingers were overwhelmingly perceived more negatively and less responsible than individuals in polyamorous relationships. The researchers suggest that people are more uncomfortable with the idea of strictly sexual relationships than relationships involving multiple romantic and/or emotional attachments. In Hutzler et al.'south written report (2016), individuals reporting more traditional traits regarding political conservatism and religiosity as well reported more negative attitudes towards polyamory.
The life situation of persons practicing polyamory is characterized by invisibility, the adventure of bigotry, and exclusion from any family law protection of their relationships (Anapol 2010; Barker and Langdridge 2010; Conley et al. 2013). Pallotta-Chiarolli (2010) details how polyamorous families fear of legal activity, social stigma, and harassment, resulting in a majority of the families hiding their polyamorous family unit construction. Tweedy (2011) describes how the risk of rejection and condemnation from family, friends, and colleagues prevents many non-monogamous people from being open about their life choices. Co-ordinate to Sheff and Hammers (2011), financial and social resources tin protect people to a certain extent from some of the risks related to living outside the norm, such every bit losing employment, custody, or social relationships. Williams and Prior's (2015) study reveals cracking ignorance of non-monogamous relationships amongst professionals working in, for instance, schools, healthcare, and social services.
Sociological inquiry specifically on queer polyamory is limited, although with some exceptions. Pain (2019) investigates family practices and adaptive strategies amongst LGBTQ and polyamorists. In addition, Deri (2015) highlights the social and structural context that surrounds jealousy inside polyamorous relationships. Wilkinson (2010) focuses on polyamory and potential future moves towards political mobilization, and Klesse (2007b) writes about not-monogamous sexual relationships among gay men and bisexuals. Inquiry on polyamory with a queer perspective is important for several reasons; as Hurting (2019) notes, many queer voices have been marginalized in literature on polyamory. Studying polyamory with a queer perspective will contribute to the chat on the development of contemporary lifestyles and can give a clearer picture of what queer polyamory means for LGBTQ politics, particularly in regard to the process of assimilationism (Hurting 2019). Our study contributes to the queer literature on polyamorous and queer life choices, every bit information technology explores experiences of polyamorous lines and queer temporalities within these relationships. Specifically, we aim to contribute past farther exploring how polyamory is skilful in relation to other polyamorous and queer bodies and how, in some contexts, this means sometimes being stopped and in other contexts it ways being able to open and step into the unknown.
Method
In total, xx-two persons who identify as polyamorous or non-monogamous were interviewed. Purposeful sampling was applied, and the inclusion criteria were that the interviewees should be 18 years or older with experiences of non-monogamy. The informants were betwixt twenty and sixty years former. Xi persons from the sample identified as women, 3 equally non-binary, and eight as men. Virtually were born and raised in Sweden, although a few had another Nordic, central European or southwest Asian groundwork. Two-thirds of the informants alive in one of the three largest cities in Sweden, and one-third live in another city or rural expanse. All the informants had finished loftier school, and many have a academy degree. Most worked or studied, simply a few were searching for employment. Our selection included a polyamorous people who were involved in relationships where all partners have the opportunity to have multiple partners, which means that we did not include polygyny or polyandry, which is where simply the men or only the women have multiple partners.
We conducted in-depth interviews starting with questions about how the informants defined polyamory and non-monogamy and how they initially got involved with it. The interviews were conducted in the informants' homes, at cafés, and at the academy. Each interview, which was conducted in Swedish and translated into English by the authors, lasted between 1 to three hours. Our study did not set up out to prove hypotheses or to test theory, just rather information technology sought to generate empirical information from which an understanding might be developed. In the analysis work of the interview material, the thematic assay method as proponed by Braun and Clarke (2006) was applied. The initial assay showed the importance of themes such as dramatic life changes, encounters with polyamory, encounters with expectations of unreliability, and low awareness of polyamory. These themes often contained temporal and embodied aspects relating to other polyamorous or queer bodies that seemed to "open up" forays into the previously unthinkable. The prominent categories related to these themes were explored past using the theoretical concepts of turning points and lines (Ahmed 2006) and Jack Halberstam's (2005) concept of queer time and temporality. We continuously modified the use of the theoretical concepts in a dialectical relationship with the stories of the informants. In the quotations, redundant words similar "uhm", "aye", "well" and similar, were removed for greater readability. In the analysis, we used pseudonyms to protect the informants' identities and to guarantee them confidentiality.
Throughout the entire projection, ethical considerations played a central role. Informed consent was obtained from all the private participants included in the report. The project follows the Swedish Enquiry Council's upstanding guidelines (Codex 2012), which involves informing the participants of the current inquiry consignment and obtaining consent from the participants, giving them the highest possible confidentiality and balls that collected data are for inquiry purposes simply. The projection was reviewed and canonical by the Regional Upstanding Review Board in Lund, Sweden.
Theory
Lines and Turning Points
According to Ahmed (2006), it is through our bodies that we exist in the earth and bodies establish the purlieus between an outer and an inner world. She brings the queer theoretical conversation into dialogue with phenomenology with its focus on bodies and spatiality. Ahmed understands bodies to accept shape from reiterations and that bodies are e'er closely linked to sexuality. Partly equally a biological body with biochemical and physiological processes, and partly, which is fundamental to phenomenology, as a symbol-bearing and meaning-creating subject. Therefore, Ahmed (2006) is interested in the body'southward orientation in the globe. Orientation is about where we are, where we are going, and how we go there, and she argues that sexuality is about being oriented. Orientation is also nearly how bodies inhabit and occupy infinite in the globe. Ahmed (2006) uses lines as a theoretical tool to describe "how the body gets directed in some ways more than others" (p. 15), and when some paths or lines are chosen, others are at the same time not chosen. What Ahmed describes as the "directly line" is not visible, which makes it "natural" or the norm: "Being in line allows bodies to extend into spaces that, equally it were, accept already taken their shape" (p. 15). The heteronormative line goes straight through the cultural system, ensuring that monogamous heterosexuality is maintained equally a desirable, obvious, and naturally given fashion of life. Ahmed uses the path as a metaphor to explicate heterosexuality as an orientation. A path is made by the repetition of beingness trodden upon. Ahmed (2006, p. xvi) states, "A paradox of the footprint emerges. Lines are both created by being followed and are followed by beingness created." The bodies that practise not fit in the heteronormative lines terminate upwardly off form; they lose their orientation. Just information technology is likewise possible for a body to have a queer orientation despite the hegemonic power directing us in heteronormative lines. New lines and turning points are created when a queer body comes into contact with some other queer body, which requires the body to be reoriented. As a event, new objects or bodies, which were previously not visible or doable within the heteronormative lines, announced to be doable. In other words, a torso needs contact with other objects or bodies in order to change orientation to become, for instance, lesbian or polyamorous (Ahmed 2006).
Nosotros find Ahmed'south focus on lines and her description of heterosexuality equally "being in line" fruitful in relation to polyamory, as it can contribute to a theoretical understanding of the interviewees' experiences of non following the trodden path of heterosexual togetherness and being oriented toward other queer bodies.
Queer Fourth dimension and Temporality
Our existence is neither planned nor coincidental merely rather organized on the basis of a heterosexual social order of power—what Jack Halberstam (2005) calls life schedule. The different phases of the life schedule are central to the organization of life and can be defined as nativity, children, teens, youth, adults, eye age, old age, and decease. For every phase, there are norms and expectations which reflect gimmicky ideas of how life should be lived at that detail time. The dissimilar phases from childhood to old age tin therefore be said to contain unlike moments of expected maturity. If we act co-ordinate to our historic period, information technology means that we laissez passer the historic period-coded categories of life correctly and have a better chance of fugitive stigmatization. The life phases are naturalized based on a given heterosexual regulation, which can be explained by the term heteronormativity (Rosenberg 2002). This means that we are built-in into a social community dominated past heterosexual norms which are also closely connected to social class (Skeggs 1997). Halberstam points out that life stages are surrounded by form-spring rituals, and if we human activity in accordance with our age, gender, and form, and then we pass properly through the stock-still categories in life and maintain an expected and historic period-bound heterosexuality. Past doing then, we gain recognition as comprehensible and responsible, and therefore, respectable. Queer time, in contrast to this, is i that "leaves the temporal frames of bourgeois reproduction and family, longevity, risk/safety, and inheritance" (Halberstam 2005, p. 4). Information technology has "the potentiality of a life unscripted by the conventions of family unit, inheritance, and child rearing" (Halberstam 2005, p. two). Queer time and temporality thus offer an alternative framework for the theorization of disqualified and anticanonical knowledges of queer practices (Dinshaw et al. 2007).
Taken together, Halberstam and Ahmed provide a foundation for investigating the formation of polyamorous relationships. Both Halberstam's exploration of the phases of life schedule and Ahmed'due south phenomenological exploration of lines and turning points theorize of import aspects of forming relationships in contemporary society. When read together, they provide a queer perspective from which to examine polyamorous experiences together with other queer bodies and the potential of unscripted life in a society where monogamy is the norm. In the adjacent chapter, nosotros analyze the empirical fabric with the assistance of these theoretical tools.
Assay
To Re-orient the Body
All informants tell about their showtime experiences of non-monogamy. Several of the informants testify to a sure moment in their life, which they refer to as a turning point. Kristian lives with Karin, and they come across each other as chief partners and both have love relationships with others. Kristian, who did non have any polyamorous experiences earlier he met Karin, talks about when they commencement met as a turning point and the possibilities this had for condign oriented toward a polyamorous body for the first time:
I thought it was fucking strange [laughing], merely I was instantly in love with her… I had just come out of a human relationship that had been terrible for two or three years, and I had had a couple of relationships earlier that which had not worked either. The mutual denominator was jealousy. Then I thought, "What the hell – it has not worked out in other ways, why not try this and we'll come across if information technology works or not? At worst, I'll larn something anyway." So we tried, and it did work out.
According to Ahmed (2006), "Queer orientations are those that put within reach bodies that have been made unreachable past the lines of conventional genealogy" (p. 107). Jasmine describes how she was approximately thirty when she started exploring not-monogamous relations. "Why at that time?" the interviewer asked, and she answered,
Yes, well, I divorced. It was a pretty horrible marriage, with that woman. It was, yes, information technology was quite traumatic. So later on that, it became like some kind of release party, for the whole [of] life. And I started exploring everything possible. I had a friend who was in a poly community and all that. They were 3 people in a relationship, and it seemed so exciting but also that yous still can exist relaxed in information technology in some way. And that was where something inside woke upwardly – like this is probably my thing. Because it fits in with all the things that didn't fit in earlier.
Jasmine's story contains several aspects of how the shift felt—that information technology fit, similar something inside waking up and being able to feel relaxed. As long as Jasmine was in a monogamous marriage, the polyamorous lines were not reachable. When she divorced, her body became oriented towards other forms of relationships than the monogamous, and she began to explore a polyamorous lifestyle and realized that it suited her—it felt similar her matter. For Stefan, it was difficult to empathise that he had the ability to love more than one person. He says,
It was very hard at starting time to realize that I loved another adult female. Because I had like this wall; I love Sanna, then in that location is no one else I can love. It was not something I thought was possible.
Stefan describes the difficulty he experienced in transgressing the norm of living with ane person as a wall—something preventing him from going farther in that direction. Ahmed's (2006) lines are closely related to the concept of norms, merely they do not take identical meanings. Bremer (2011) describes the line concept as a spatialization of the norm concept. Although norms affect how people orient themselves in life, Ahmed'south queer phenomenology enables an assay focusing on the relationship betwixt bodies and space. In human interactions, at that place are expectations to both follow and chronicle to the lines already created by others. Like several other informants, Stefan had incorporated feelings and thoughts of what is appropriate and inappropriate in earlier socialization processes; therefore, the process of condign polyamorous requires that the persons must shape new values and approaches that are in line with the not-monogamous lines and norms. Stefan continues, "The advantage of coupledom is that information technology is easy, 'cause you know how it should be." Linn also describes how she has dealt with the internationalized norms:
I've broken a lot of the norms telling you how to live, what'due south right for a woman of my age to exercise (…) Earlier, I lived my life according to a complete protocol. I had opinions that norms are oppressive and prevent our own personal happiness and freedom. Merely it was simply when I was at the finish of my 30s that I realized that "Shit, this applies to me as well." Then I started to deal with things: I realized I didn't want kids. I didn't wanna be monogamous. I wasn't straight. So, I had to carelessness the person I thought I was and get the person I really am and actually have been all along. I can get a bit bitter [when I] call up, "Did it really have to accept such a long time to get here?"
On the i manus, Linn talks about becoming someone that she has been all forth, but on the other hand, she likewise describes information technology equally a path she had to walk to "go hither"—ane that, in her opinion, perhaps took too long. Descriptions of given templates and norms that deed as guidelines in the life of the informants are recurrent in the stories. In Linn'south interview, she tells of how both historic period and gender go important components in the performance of achieving respectability when she describes how she has violated the norms of what is correct behavior for a woman her age (Skeggs 1997). When we realize that our desires do non autumn in line with the heterosexual norms in society, then what Ahmed (2006) defines as a "horizontal moment" occurs. It is not a given how nosotros experience the insight that we are almost to change course, merely rather information technology can be described as moving in a dark room—to be disoriented (Ahmed 2006). Jonas compares monogamous relations to polyamorous relationships:
The monogamous relationship consists of consummate rules and frameworks. People can fall in honey, and so they say, "Okay, but now we're together" and they never demand to talk about "okay, what do these rules mean and what practise you want and need in our relationship?" Because it's like a packet you just buy. But every bit soon as you move outside the monogamous form, you have to start defining yourself and your partner or partners and discuss "how exercise nosotros desire to live together?"
Going across the monogamous heteronormative frameworks can event in more choices and that one has to find out what kind of relationship works best instead of following a ready-fabricated template. And this is something that Jonas imagines doing together with others—the "move exterior the monogamous form" requires a collective process to notice another style.
Polyamorous Temporalities
According to Halberstam (2005), heteronormativity is not just almost which bodies are expected to want each other but also the view of life as a progressive story in which couple bonding and reproduction is the goal and meaning. Non participating in that story or changing its chronology, for example, by non having children—or having them at the wrong age—or non beingness part of a coupled relationship is seen equally a sign of immaturity. Lo reflects on this:
You're supposed to find a partner, and and then you will live happily ever after. That person is supposed to exist closest and make full all your needs, and if not, at that place is something wrong with the relationship. And you lot have to have children and dinners with other couples. You have to consume breakfast together and keep holidays and love weekends together, and everything will exist with that person. Then, finally, you are abode and accept found your soul mate. But… you lot might already have soul mates or you might want several shut relationships in your life.
People living a queer life are not only seen as incomprehensible, but too perceived equally having something wrong with them due to their relationships (Halberstam 2005). Lo clearly describes each stage of life and what is expected during each. Only co-ordinate to Lo, this is also limited. Every bit she says, in that location may already be soul mates in your life, and there may exist other relationships that demand to exist prioritized, thus describing collective aspects of living outside of the expected phases.
A person who does not follow the expected chronology of historic period and life stage, such as marriage, risks non being understood, thus ending up in a queer time beyond heteronormativity. Denise reflects on this:
I have been involved in several situations where my polyamorous friends have talked near their relationship and that they are getting married. And and so people say, "Well, yous're getting married, and so y'all're not going to accept an open relationship anymore?" [They reply] "Well, we'll accept an open human relationship, even though we're married." And and then people get like… they curt-circuit, just "huh?!" They don't sympathize anything.
Halberstam (2005) argues that falling in line with our expected life phase helps maintain a respectable and age-bound heterosexuality. By acting in a way that is not accepted in relation to i's life stage, one risks existence perceived as immature and unable to solve the heteronormative life puzzle. A marriage is a articulate marker of respectability, responsibleness, and duration and is heavily based in Christian traditions and heteronormative civilisation where the decision to marry means that the couple has called each other and aims at a deeper step into the coupled relationship. As Denise explains, this and then ways that standing with an open relationship in married life becomes a violation to respectable heterosexuality.
Christina, Carl, and Charlie live in a polyamorous relationship in the aforementioned household. Christina and Carl are in their 60s and are married. Charlie, who is in their thirties, is their partner. During the interview, normative expectations linked to different stages of life, historic period, and parenting are completely turned around:
Christina: Only sometimes I've thought like… aye, no, only is Charlie my son? No, absolutely not. I practice not feel like yous were my son, merely if you were to have children, I would probably feel similar they were my grandchildren. Though yous're not my son. […]
Charlie: But I practice not decide similar that. I have feelings like, sometimes I feel like Christina and Carl are my children, sometimes I feel they are my partners, and sometimes I feel they are my dad and mom. I feel… I always take the feelings in different ways.
Queer subcultures, Halberstam (2005) notes, "produce culling temporalities by allowing their participants to believe that their futures tin can exist imagined according to logics that lie outside of those paradigmatic markers of life experience—namely, birth, matrimony, reproduction, and death" (p. two). In the conversation above, the (heterosexual) normative stock-still roles as children, partners, and parents are dissolved, and instead, the informants describe how they seize the unlike positions at different times and in different emotion modes. Here, beingness a parent is understood as a position of responsibility, care, and solicitude rather than biological factors and inheritance. Adopting the role of a kid may offer the possibility to experience pocket-sized, pampered and loved unconditionally. Christina says, "Sometimes I can feel, 'Oh, you're the child I never had' and in the next moment, 'just you brand me horny', past which she creates permission to effort out the different positions of what information technology means to be both lovers and parents too equally letting the feelings that follow be allowed to be. The conversation also shows how normative life phase expectations can be transformed into queer temporalities when Christina says, "I practice not feel similar you were my son, just if you lot were to have children, I would probably feel like they were my grandchildren." Queer temporalities have "the potentiality of a life unscripted by the conventions of family unit, inheritance, and kid rearing" (p. 2), an instance of which is with Christina'southward wish to be a grandparent to her lovers' children.
Silence and Coming Out
Non all stories are most expanding opportunities—there are also important themes of silence and issues of coming out and being met with ignorance or prejudice. The caste of openness is something that polyamorous people inevitably have to reflect upon in their everyday life. All informants depict difficulties to live as poly in a society where monogamy is norm. In the interviews, it became obvious that coupled relations are praised while other human relationship constellations imply different sanctions. Several informants depict how people in their surroundings observe it difficult to empathize their way of forming relationships and they are often faced with scepticism and negative comments. Sara thinks information technology is difficult to talk about problems that occur in her relationships because information technology is e'er explained away as a result of her non-monogamy:
When you have a hard fourth dimension in your relationship or in ane of the relationships, I have received responses like "Yeah, but it is clear that you lot are having a difficult fourth dimension considering you live like that. It must exist really complicated and really problematic and it is no wonder it creates conflicts." Or "It is clear that that sort of human relationship cannot last forever." Only no one would employ it equally an explanation to a declining monogamous human relationship by saying "Aye, but it is because you agreed to monogamy."
Here, Sara describes how specially difficult it is to not be able to articulate bug in polyamorous relationships due to being met with the reaction that these types of relationships are not sustainable. Based on interviews, Klesse'south (2007a, b) study found that one of the dominant narratives surrounding polyamory is the value placed on long-term relationships founded on honesty, love, understanding, and trust. Although previous studies show that stability, immovability, and intimacy are of import aspects of polyamorous relationships, like Sarah, several informants prove that the mainstream view reproduces non-monogamous relations equally unstable, problematic, and occasional. Given that polyamory is associated with stigma, openness is associated with risks regarding social relationships and professional person life (Conley et al. 2013). When Jasmine is asked if she has ever received positive responses from people around her based on how she lives, she answers, "No, I can´t really say that I have… no, I don't think then." Instead, she thinks in that location is a abiding disharmonism with society's norms:
I think the hardest affair is that you are non taken seriously, either by society or by other people. That it'south similar, "Well, you're like that. Y'all want to fuck around." (…) We are seen as unreliable, and I think that image needs to disappear. Because information technology's a bit sad to be seen as irresponsible and unreliable all the time. Because we are also serious. We also break. We also go heartache. We are likewise people.
Jasmine succinctly describes the ramifications of being out of line, of orienting her body in a unlike direction. Jasmine's polyamorous relationships are written off as "fucking around", and her emotions and feelings of love are not taken seriously. People living a queer life are not but seen as incomprehensible, but too they take chances being perceived every bit immature or childish and incapable of having serious relationships (Halberstam 2005). Although Swedish society is characterized every bit liberal and open up in relation to intimacy and sexuality, the bulk of the informants feel forced to muffle their lifestyle in different situations and contexts. Calculating the take chances of coming out and being seen as different and foreign is repeatedly described. Beloved, for example, says,
At that place are so many things I need to come up out with, considering everything I am and practise, how I live and what I eat, I need to come up out with all the time. So, I cannot do that. And I cannot explain, and I feel very, very weird most of the time. Yep. And I really think that to be polyamorous, along with being not-binary, are the 2 norms I intermission that are the most difficult to exist open with. I think I know how people would react, and that's why I'm not coming out. People would think I am weird and exist questioning, and I would have to educate them. And they would criticize me.
Linn, who is bipolar, bisexual, polyamorous, and a BDSM practitioner describes how she has to come out of a "variety of wardrobes":
I am inside a lot of wardrobes which I take to come up out of all the time. And all these wardrobes consist of groups that are stigmatized: To be bipolar is the freak-wardrobe. Practicing BDSM is taboo. To be bisexual ways you are invisible in society. Not-monogamous persons are a group of people who tin't decide how to live.
Halperin (1995, p. 30) writes, "To come out is precisely to expose oneself to a different set of dangers and constraints, to brand oneself into a convenient screen onto which direct people tin can projection all the fantasies they routinely entertain nearly gay people." Although Halperin refers to homosexuality's coming-out procedure, his description is relevant also to polyamorous persons. The preconceived opinions and fantasies well-nigh what a polyamorous lifestyle ways are projected onto the private, meaning that he or she needs to explain, deny, or elucidate what it means to him or her. This becomes articulate in both Linn's and Dearest's interview extracts and is as well something that informant David testifies about. His colleagues confronted him when they realized that he went out with more than one woman, and he felt he needed to tell them about his lifestyle:
They asked, "What are you doing?" and insisted that I cannot exercise that to my partner. I answered, "I can, considering she knows all of them… she knows what I'm doing and she accepts it." and I had to have a shorter talk about it. And so came the questions: "How is information technology, and how are you doing it?" But I felt information technology became very sexist. Particularly from guys my age or over. At kickoff, they said, "Wow, that's wonderful, you can slumber with however many you want to!" Then, it was just as if the insight came that your partner also may exist with however many she wants. Then they said, "You cannot have it like that. You cannot let her do that."
The risk of being given the reputation of being unfaithful and unreliable when it comes to relationships is recurrent in the informants' stories. David tells how he receives what he sees equally sexist comments concerning how lucky he is to be sleeping with many women but that he should not "allow her" practice the same. Silence is strategically used to avoid being accused of unreliability or condign incomprehensible.
Being Stopped—Interactions with Professionals
While silence is used to avoid negative reactions, some interviewees tell of situations when they chose to come out or in other ways negotiate talking well-nigh their polyamorous practices. Ahmed (2006) describes how bodies that do non follow the expected lines are stopped or blocked. These blockages can lead to what Ahmed calls "stress points": "When such lines block rather than enable activeness they become points that accumulate stress, or stress points" (p. 160). One informant relates how her polyamorous female friends avoid getting tested for sexually transmitted infections considering "they feel like sluts considering they're e'er questioned when they seek healthcare." How we live equally sexual beings is closely connected to shame and respectability (Skeggs 1997). Halberstam (2005) argues that the concept of queer time can "make clear how respectability, and notions of the normal on which it depends, may be upheld by a center-course logic of reproductive temporality" (p. 4).
Several informants reflect on the negative response and lack of cognition about non-monogamy amongst persons working in the caring professions. Jenny tells about her experiences of therapy:
I have seen several therapists, and then it has often been that I talk about my life and relationships, and I experience that in that location is a very, very little competence about non-monogamous relations. […] I have been with ii psychologists who insisted that there had to be something wrong – either it was my childhood, or that I have problems in relation to my mother, or that it would come from sexual exploitation as a child. Information technology was like that. I felt it instantly. This is what they want to force out of me.
To continuously be stopped and questioned frequently leads to reactions such as frustration, shame, and even trauma (Ahmed 2006). Jenny articulates the violent manner that she experienced her therapists wanting her to force out a cause that would explain the non-monogamy: "I felt a bit like a freak in relation to the normative world," she says in another part of the interview.
Lack of knowledge and competence most polyamory exists inside dissimilar social institutions, not just healthcare but besides authorities such as the Migration Lath. As mentioned, Christina, Carl, and Charlie live in a polyamorous relationship, and Christina and Carl are married. Charlie wants to apply for an extended residence permit and states the relationship with Carl and Christina as a reason for extending the residence let. When contacting the Migration Lath in regards to the result, they received the following response (which is used and translated with the permission of the informants):
Unfortunately, at that place is no possibility for you to book a fourth dimension to talk about this with usa. If y'all have questions, please send them via email or telephone. We have no skilful on this particular topic considering we do not accept a polyamorous relationship. In Sweden, yous are simply allowed to take one partner. If in that location is an extension awarding where he applies to live in Sweden considering of your human relationship, you can accept a dialogue with your migrations officer, but information technology is important to note that we do non accept these types of relationships.
The Migration Board's response contains several inaccuracies. There is no law in Sweden stipulating that nosotros can only live with one partner. The law states that we can marry only one person; notwithstanding, polyamory and polygamy are two dissimilar things. Polyamorous relationships are non forbidden in Swedish society. The blockage in this example has potentially serious ramifications for Charlie's possibility of receiving an extended residence allow. Past disregarding the fact that the human relationship between Charlie, Christina, and Carl is not a marital one, merely i of cohabiting, the representatives of the Migration Lath can employ the Marriage Human action in their response to attempt to discredit the awarding and, in the words of Ahmed, finish Charlie from existence able to continue practicing polyamory. Speaking about polyamory in different contexts, the interviewees tell of how they and people in their surroundings are stopped in different ways. Articulating non-monogamy goes beyond mono-normativity and expectations of life phases, but every bit evident in the interviewees' statements regarding therapy and the Migration Board, not-monogamy besides goes beyond the logics of psychology and bureaucracy.
Conclusion
Our existence is constantly shaped by the surround in which nosotros live. Swedish society is characterized by a unique ideological tradition of gender equality and respect for an individual'southward choice to form intimate relationships. All the same, the majority of Swedes live in heterosexual monogamous relationships, and choosing lines other than the heteronormative line still implies risks. The bulk of the informants feel forced to conceal their relationship constellations in several situations and contexts. Moving beyond the path and orienting one's body in another management risks beingness hindered by both ignorance and prejudice, but it can besides be of import for opening up new possibilities both in relation to oneself and to others. In this commodity, we have investigated turning points that tin exist seen in the informants' stories, in the queer temporalities that are created and in orientations toward other polyamorous or queer bodies that offer spaces for collective alter. The majority of the informants tell about a certain occasion in life when they commencement experienced polyamory, which they besides refer to as a turning point. Learning of others who have chosen a polyamorous orientation has great importance in the informants' lives. This opens up the possibility to choose a line of polyamory or non-monogamy when a turning point occurs, such every bit a divorce or coming together someone and falling in love. Sometimes the informants' lives are completely rearranged and disorganized, only at the same time, they tell of the possibilities of living outside of protocols and templates.
In the theoretical language of Ahmed (2006), living a life within monogamous boundaries would be considered being "in line". The interviewees tell of heteronormative templates and norms that human action as guidelines in life and when violated, sure sanctions occur. Both age and gender become important components in the performance of achieving respectability, when Linn, for instance, describes how she has violated the norms for what is right behavior for a adult female of her age. Temporality as a way of organizing one's life in normative or non-normative means is as well at play in determining who is serious and has a mature and appropriate fashion of handling relationships (Halberstam 2005). In this way, alternative or queer temporalities are produced, which for some of the informants means their experiences are invalidated and they are being perceived equally immature or unreliable. The risks of being stopped and hopes of re-orientation are crucial elements for the possibilities of choosing a lifestyle that goes beyond heteronormative expectations of monogamy. Interactions with healthcare professionals seldom offer a relief from this. Instead, the informants' stories of these encounters can be interpreted as instances of being stopped and blocked, resulting in stress and shame in the worst cases.
Our findings show how polyamory can offer culling paths of life and relationships to other queer and polyamorous bodies in a society where the nuclear family and coupledom all the same are privileged and represent strong ideas of maturity, seriousness, and machismo. It is of import to betoken out that people who are polyamorous practise not plant a homogeneous group but have a diversity of experiences. Research on polyamory that further develops intersectional approaches is necessary to reflect the diversity of experiences the group holds and can generate understandings of how systems of ability intersect and coproduce one another resulting in unequal material realities.
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This written report was funded by the Centre for Sexology and Sexuality studies at Malmö University.
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Carlström, C., Andersson, C. Living Outside Protocol: Polyamorous Orientations, Bodies, and Queer Temporalities. Sexuality & Culture 23, 1315–1331 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-019-09621-seven
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DOI : https://doi.org/x.1007/s12119-019-09621-7
Keywords
- Polyamory
- Sweden
- Turning points
- Lines
- Queer time
- Temporality
Source: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12119-019-09621-7
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